The alarm. The hangover. The cottonbud shortage. Indeed, for all the cruel varieties of reasons, mornings are dire for most of us. And there is one common denominator in the city’s hatred towards sunrise: the rush hour Tube journey.

Whilst uniting us in our mutual exasperated smiles to one another, it simultaneously makes us detest anyone and everyone within a five-meter radius. Barely awake and being packed into the dank, cruelly lit carriage like an asthmatic battery hen certainly prompts me to question how my fellow brood members survive the torture, day in, day out. For those of you fellow brooders, here are five of my personal favourite - and successful - strategies.

1. Play 'Would you rather...' with yourself. Topical style. Suggestions: “Would I rather sleep with the person on my left or right?” “Would I rather stay on this train forever or snog my dad/eat a live sheep/die?” “Would I rather tell the person next to me they’re fat or ask the person behind me if they farted?”
2. Pull the alarm. There’s nothing like a second wake-up call. And even if you don’t end up going through with it, your entire attention will be focused on whether and when to actually do it, subsequently blanching out the fact that someone’s sweaty armpit is diffusing into your face. (Note: I recommend doing this on the return rather than outbound journey to reduce the number of menacing looks. People don’t need another reason to be fired.)
3. Consider how much money you would have to be paid to sleep with each person in sight. Calculate your potential earnings and muse. Identify your 'cheapest client' and try get a smile out of them. Muse again.
4. Strike up a conversation with the nearest friendly-looking person to you and pretend to be from a foreign country. Make up a bizarre name (Octavia and Bob are the top of my list), and an elaborate life (you’ve just moved over from Iceland and it’s your first day at RBS. You are extremely excited!).
5. Do bum clenches...without anybody noticing. They keep you conscious, they’re great exercise, and they certainly challenge your subtlety skills. Once you’ve mastered this, try using the handrails to do pull ups. Gradually work your way up to pole dancing.

For those of you who now wish to disassociate yourselves from my (most probably) one-peacock-ostentation, I present my sixth and most recently discovered method which is both fun and fail-proof: cycling. Of course, helmets do make everyone look like aliens and yes, you could find yourself pedalling the wrong way around a roundabout. But once you go free-range, there is absolutely no going back to 3-in-the-space-for-2. It’s fast and it’s fresh. It saves and loses you pounds.

So escape the mistake, just try out the less sweaty, less swiney, and - considering my five other suggestions - less slutty option to holding your breath on the tube.

Here Is The Writer : Ing Chua-Lee

Ing was born and bred in London, and is absolutely in love with the city. She lived in Singapore as an expat for two years, interned in the City, then graduated from the University of York where she studied English Literature and History of Art. Excited by anything beautiful, hilarious and expensive, she is now enjoying being back and spending her time and money swanning around like nothing's changed.

view more articles by Ing Chua-Lee

Showing results 1 - 3 of 3.

Add Comment (go on... log in)

TODAY

• X-Factor Has the X-Factor
• So Londoners Are Nice After All
• The Market is in Your Hands

THIS WEEK

• Can a City Girl Become a Country Girl?
• So Londoners Are Nice After All
• Whiskey, Women and Gold