Opening the Ex-Files
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When a man leaves you alone in his home for the first time, what do you do? Lie in bed, watch TV, do the washing up - or have a good snoop? Let’s face it, the offhand mention of his last girlfriend has ignited your fascination.
Was she prettier than you? Thinner? Better dressed? More successful? Did he love her more? Who dumped who? Is she (God forbid) the one that got away, and therefore the one who haunts his daydreams? The one he calls at 2am when he’s having a drink 'n dial moment? The need to know is irresistible.
But the problem with opening Pandora’s box is that you’ve got to be able to cope with the contents. How will you feel if you discover that she’s a neurosurgeon with legs like Gisele, who also happens to be an heiress? Will that knowledge in any way help your future together? Or will it just leave you paranoid and inadequate? On the other hand, finding photos of a woman who’s totally normal - or even a bit of a moose - can make you feel brilliant.
So you flicked through his stuff, found a few holiday snaps of him and her. Now what? Do you put them back, breathe a sigh of relief and leave it at that? Or do you take it one step further? It goes almost without saying that it should be option one, but some girls just can’t get enough.
I was leaving Claridge's one evening when a stranger stopped me and called me by name. I took in the dubious outfit, wondered if she was one of the 'ladies who charge' from the bar, and tried to be vaguely polite. Until she introduced herself as my ex’s new girlfriend. She recognized me from the photos, she said.
Now, taking a look at some pics is one thing, but confronting a total stranger in the street? Her next words only added to my shock:
"I know you saw him a few months ago. I checked his phone and I saw your messages."
This is when investigating the ex turns into full-blown bunny boiling.
I managed to laugh. "Oh really. I didn’t realise it was a secret."
I tried to diffuse the situation, reminded her we’d been apart for nearly two years, and that I was happily seeing someone else, but she was undaunted. This knowledge had been eating away at her. She wanted me to know that she had been dating my ex for "nearly half a year", and it was "very serious". It wasn’t appropriate for him to see his exes in secret, she insisted.
Just as she was reaching a righteous froth, and I was considering fleeing, the man in question arrived and almost fainted at the sight of us. Make no mistake, a man’s worst nightmare is his current girlfriend in a huddle with his ex.
"I’m not sure who I should kiss first," he stuttered at last. I winced and steered him towards his girlfriend. "Future always takes precedence over past."
As I rebuffed her offer of joining them for a drink to discuss things (I feared she might slip arsenic into my Champagne), I saw the panic in his eyes subside. The look on his face had me chortling all the way home. That, and the knowledge that he’d replaced me with a badly dressed, but very determined, bunny boiler.
But I do hope our meeting made her feel better.
But the problem with opening Pandora’s box is that you’ve got to be able to cope with the contents. How will you feel if you discover that she’s a neurosurgeon with legs like Gisele, who also happens to be an heiress? Will that knowledge in any way help your future together? Or will it just leave you paranoid and inadequate? On the other hand, finding photos of a woman who’s totally normal - or even a bit of a moose - can make you feel brilliant.
So you flicked through his stuff, found a few holiday snaps of him and her. Now what? Do you put them back, breathe a sigh of relief and leave it at that? Or do you take it one step further? It goes almost without saying that it should be option one, but some girls just can’t get enough.
I was leaving Claridge's one evening when a stranger stopped me and called me by name. I took in the dubious outfit, wondered if she was one of the 'ladies who charge' from the bar, and tried to be vaguely polite. Until she introduced herself as my ex’s new girlfriend. She recognized me from the photos, she said.
Now, taking a look at some pics is one thing, but confronting a total stranger in the street? Her next words only added to my shock:
"I know you saw him a few months ago. I checked his phone and I saw your messages."
This is when investigating the ex turns into full-blown bunny boiling.
I managed to laugh. "Oh really. I didn’t realise it was a secret."
I tried to diffuse the situation, reminded her we’d been apart for nearly two years, and that I was happily seeing someone else, but she was undaunted. This knowledge had been eating away at her. She wanted me to know that she had been dating my ex for "nearly half a year", and it was "very serious". It wasn’t appropriate for him to see his exes in secret, she insisted.
Just as she was reaching a righteous froth, and I was considering fleeing, the man in question arrived and almost fainted at the sight of us. Make no mistake, a man’s worst nightmare is his current girlfriend in a huddle with his ex.
"I’m not sure who I should kiss first," he stuttered at last. I winced and steered him towards his girlfriend. "Future always takes precedence over past."
As I rebuffed her offer of joining them for a drink to discuss things (I feared she might slip arsenic into my Champagne), I saw the panic in his eyes subside. The look on his face had me chortling all the way home. That, and the knowledge that he’d replaced me with a badly dressed, but very determined, bunny boiler.
But I do hope our meeting made her feel better.
Here Is The Writer : Alice in Numberland
By day Alice crunches numbers at a banking colossus in Canary Wharf, and by night she devotes her time to studying the strange behaviours of the male species. In between she expands her collection of Agent Provocateur and runs marathons. Tell her what you think about dating in the City.
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