The Downside of P.rn
Mr XXX has become too reliant on porn. His girlfriend, Miss XXX, has had enough. What's a couple to do? Consult the Soul Sister, of course.
Dear Soul Sister
Looking for some variety, my girlfriend and I started watching occasionally watching porn about a year ago. But now, I've got to the point where I kind of need it before we have sex, and she's getting sick of it.
Mr XXX
Dear Mr XXX
Sounds like you have found yourselves in a difficult position - no pun intended.
I have been coming across this dilemma with increasing frequency lately, and I am wondering what it is about. Why do young people, in a relatively new relationship, get bored so quickly with each other that they feel the need to resort to porn as a way of 'spicing' up their sex life?
I'm wondering if the general 'need to perform' feeds this idea, or if it's the perception that you have to be good at something to keep people interested - and that just being you is not enough. In our performance-orientated society it isn't enough to be a nice person - you have to be attractive, well-presented, sparkling and witty as well.
Let's consider true intimacy. It's about putting aside the 'outside' face we show the world and letting our 'inside' face be seen - naked, and without protection, and accepted and cherished by the person we're with. And making love is one of the purest expressions of this.
In Italian (the 'language of love'), they say "I wish you well" instead of "I love you". What do we mean by those words? Hopefully it's not just that I want to have sex with you, but also that I really like you, find you interesting, want to be good to you and cherish you - and hope that you will love me in that way too.
This attitude of kindness and compassion is the way to true intimacy, so how does watching porn fit in?
I have yet to see a porn film that shows even the slightest aspect of kindness and love - they all reduce it to the sexual act, mostly with men displaying impossibly huge organs and women almost always powerless, even if she is teasingly presented as sexually powerful.
Perhaps we get tired of trying to be kind, considerate and thoughtful and just want just quick sexual release. Old stereotypes work well when people are under stress, and in our heads, it can be 'OK' to view women as playthings in the context of porn.
But the danger is that there is a hang-over from the attitudes of porn that can gnaw away at an otherwise loving relationship of equals until one person (normally the woman) becomes instrumentalized. Understandably, women resent that.
Watching porn frequently is now described in psychology as an addiction, with the same advice meted out. But I wonder if this is the root of the problem, or if it's the issue that an interpersonal activity is being reduced to a quick thrill - comparable to excessive masturbation or one-night stands - that takes a couple away from intimacy.
Of course, there will be times in any relationship - psychology names seven months (though many people manage many more) - when ardency diminishes and boredom threatens. Then what to do?
Talk about it, look for strategies together, and find inspiration in ways that respect both partners and give pleasures to both. Experiment with the Kama Sutra, look into Kundalini Energy workshops, or get to know each other again on a weekend in the country.
And in the meantime, examine the personal issues that may be keeping you from a truly intimate relationship with your partner, and if you'd like to explore the topic more fully, a Tantra Yoga seminar with Martin Jelfs might help.
Looking for some variety, my girlfriend and I started watching occasionally watching porn about a year ago. But now, I've got to the point where I kind of need it before we have sex, and she's getting sick of it.
Mr XXX
Dear Mr XXX
Sounds like you have found yourselves in a difficult position - no pun intended.
I have been coming across this dilemma with increasing frequency lately, and I am wondering what it is about. Why do young people, in a relatively new relationship, get bored so quickly with each other that they feel the need to resort to porn as a way of 'spicing' up their sex life?
I'm wondering if the general 'need to perform' feeds this idea, or if it's the perception that you have to be good at something to keep people interested - and that just being you is not enough. In our performance-orientated society it isn't enough to be a nice person - you have to be attractive, well-presented, sparkling and witty as well.
Let's consider true intimacy. It's about putting aside the 'outside' face we show the world and letting our 'inside' face be seen - naked, and without protection, and accepted and cherished by the person we're with. And making love is one of the purest expressions of this.
In Italian (the 'language of love'), they say "I wish you well" instead of "I love you". What do we mean by those words? Hopefully it's not just that I want to have sex with you, but also that I really like you, find you interesting, want to be good to you and cherish you - and hope that you will love me in that way too.
This attitude of kindness and compassion is the way to true intimacy, so how does watching porn fit in?
I have yet to see a porn film that shows even the slightest aspect of kindness and love - they all reduce it to the sexual act, mostly with men displaying impossibly huge organs and women almost always powerless, even if she is teasingly presented as sexually powerful.
Perhaps we get tired of trying to be kind, considerate and thoughtful and just want just quick sexual release. Old stereotypes work well when people are under stress, and in our heads, it can be 'OK' to view women as playthings in the context of porn.
But the danger is that there is a hang-over from the attitudes of porn that can gnaw away at an otherwise loving relationship of equals until one person (normally the woman) becomes instrumentalized. Understandably, women resent that.
Watching porn frequently is now described in psychology as an addiction, with the same advice meted out. But I wonder if this is the root of the problem, or if it's the issue that an interpersonal activity is being reduced to a quick thrill - comparable to excessive masturbation or one-night stands - that takes a couple away from intimacy.
Of course, there will be times in any relationship - psychology names seven months (though many people manage many more) - when ardency diminishes and boredom threatens. Then what to do?
Talk about it, look for strategies together, and find inspiration in ways that respect both partners and give pleasures to both. Experiment with the Kama Sutra, look into Kundalini Energy workshops, or get to know each other again on a weekend in the country.
And in the meantime, examine the personal issues that may be keeping you from a truly intimate relationship with your partner, and if you'd like to explore the topic more fully, a Tantra Yoga seminar with Martin Jelfs might help.
Here Is The Writer : Annegret O'Dwyer
Annegret O'Dwyer is a psychotherapist who has had a practise in Harley Street for 10 years, and recently opened one in Southbank. She is accredited and licensed by the UKCP (United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy) and the EAP (European Association of Psychotherapists). Her favourite book is How to be Happy by the Dalai Lama, and The Right to Speak by Patsy Rodenburg, and she likes spending her evenings at the cinema or theatre.
www.annegretodwyer.co.uk
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