All You Need is Love, Monk
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A friend recently came to me in a state of confusion about a relationship she was having. It reminded me of a Zen 'slap round the face' I got 10 or so years ago. One I still use now, not just for myself and not just in relationships.
It had been going on for a while, and she was pretty unhappy. I could tell she was stuck, the monkey mind was in full-on crazy mode, and she was struggling.
All relationships have ups and downs, and MonkintheCity is no different.
I was dating a girl, but it didn't feel right for me. She was super keen - it'd been going on a while and I didn't know what to do. I was out having a midweek drink and chat with a friend of mine, a Zen priest. We'd had a couple of drinks and I bleated on for five minutes or so about not knowing what to do, should I do this, blah, blah, blah.
His answer was a surprise to me. I was expecting him to say, "That's a shame" or "Keep at it" or "It'll all come out in the wash", but after listening to me bang on feeling sorry for myself he thought for just a second, took a sip of hat sake and said:
"That's your problem."
And that was it. End of advice.
At first it seemed unsympathetic and a little cruel. But I realise now it was pure Zen, very direct and to the point. It seemed unkind, but actually it was very kind. It woke me up! I had to take responsibility for myself. I couldn't rely on him or lean on him, my other friends or anyone. It was up to me. And the more I blathered on about it and felt sorry for myself, the further away from resolving the problem I was.
You'll see this one come up for time and time again in friendships or at work. People get stuck in a web of their own thoughts. I often find myself taking a slightly more gentle approach.
What do you think? How do you feel? What is best for you? Look inside, not
outside.
As a young man the monk Joshu asked his teacher Nansen, "What is the way?"
The answer came: "Ordinary/everyday mind is the way".
We already have all the answers; we just need to know ourselves.
All relationships have ups and downs, and MonkintheCity is no different.
I was dating a girl, but it didn't feel right for me. She was super keen - it'd been going on a while and I didn't know what to do. I was out having a midweek drink and chat with a friend of mine, a Zen priest. We'd had a couple of drinks and I bleated on for five minutes or so about not knowing what to do, should I do this, blah, blah, blah.
His answer was a surprise to me. I was expecting him to say, "That's a shame" or "Keep at it" or "It'll all come out in the wash", but after listening to me bang on feeling sorry for myself he thought for just a second, took a sip of hat sake and said:
"That's your problem."
And that was it. End of advice.
At first it seemed unsympathetic and a little cruel. But I realise now it was pure Zen, very direct and to the point. It seemed unkind, but actually it was very kind. It woke me up! I had to take responsibility for myself. I couldn't rely on him or lean on him, my other friends or anyone. It was up to me. And the more I blathered on about it and felt sorry for myself, the further away from resolving the problem I was.
You'll see this one come up for time and time again in friendships or at work. People get stuck in a web of their own thoughts. I often find myself taking a slightly more gentle approach.
What do you think? How do you feel? What is best for you? Look inside, not
outside.
As a young man the monk Joshu asked his teacher Nansen, "What is the way?"
The answer came: "Ordinary/everyday mind is the way".
We already have all the answers; we just need to know ourselves.
Here Is The Writer : MonkintheCity
Monk in the City works for a large investment bank. He went to Asia in his 20's for a bit of jaunt, realised he knew very little about anything useful, stayed a lot longer than expected, and returned with sore knees from meditation and a head full of quirky ideas. He has a soft spot for dance music and a pint, and suffers from karaoke flashbacks. You can read more from him here.
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