Laid Off, But Still a Man
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The boyfriend has lost his job and you're not sure how to handle it. How much support is the right amount so that he doesn't feel emasculated? Ms R is no stranger to recessions, and one thing she knows is that if it's about money, it's ultimately about self-esteem.
Dear Ms R,
I suddenly find myself in a very new situation and not sure what to do about it - after all the months of reading about the credit crises, thinking it won't happen to me, my boyfriend has just found out they are letting their entire team go. We are lucky, we are in a position where, whilst we will have to live carefully, we don't have mortgages or kids or those kind of scary expenses to deal with and even have some money saved but here is where I could really use some help - how do you support someone going though this without making them feel emasculated? I'm sure that part of his identity as a man did involve earning more, being a man, a provider. What do I do to show him he is no less of a man whilst still being supportive?
LO
Dear LO
I imagine he is feeling shocked: both of you began working during boom years and this is a nasty awakening. This is a hard one because if he's like most men, he'll want to retreat into himself. I think you need to find a way to let him know that you're in this together: you didn't sign up just for the champagne. At the same time, young men are not known for holding forth with their feelings so you need to be thoughtful: too much prompting and you'll turn into his mother/therapist which could signal a dangerous shift for your relationship and may well turn it for good. You will know when to leave him alone but if he withdraws too much, let him know this isn't good for you or him. You want him to talk.
I firmly believe that carrying on as normal as possible is a good strategy: sure you might have to cut back on dinners and city breaks but that's not what it's about. Remind him also that this isn't personal (because it isn't): it's about the sector he works in and it's about HR having to cut headcount. Talent has nothing to do with being made redundant; those of us in our forties who've been through previous recessions and were kids during the oil shocks in the seventies are aware of that. This is about the world changing in a major way.
When you do talk it's important to focus his mind on the bigger picture: is there anything he wants to do while he's considering his options. Perhaps he can explore a new direction? Encourage him to view it as time out that he might not take otherwise and tell him that's what you'd do. One thing that helps me is that we only have the moment we're living in: you need to make sure that you both make the most of your moments and this may be a bonus.
His libido may suffer but make sure you keep up the physical affection without smothering him. Use your intuition. Remember he's an alpha male so you need to make him feel like one.
To ask Ms Robinson a question, send her an email.
I suddenly find myself in a very new situation and not sure what to do about it - after all the months of reading about the credit crises, thinking it won't happen to me, my boyfriend has just found out they are letting their entire team go. We are lucky, we are in a position where, whilst we will have to live carefully, we don't have mortgages or kids or those kind of scary expenses to deal with and even have some money saved but here is where I could really use some help - how do you support someone going though this without making them feel emasculated? I'm sure that part of his identity as a man did involve earning more, being a man, a provider. What do I do to show him he is no less of a man whilst still being supportive?
LO
Dear LO
I imagine he is feeling shocked: both of you began working during boom years and this is a nasty awakening. This is a hard one because if he's like most men, he'll want to retreat into himself. I think you need to find a way to let him know that you're in this together: you didn't sign up just for the champagne. At the same time, young men are not known for holding forth with their feelings so you need to be thoughtful: too much prompting and you'll turn into his mother/therapist which could signal a dangerous shift for your relationship and may well turn it for good. You will know when to leave him alone but if he withdraws too much, let him know this isn't good for you or him. You want him to talk.
I firmly believe that carrying on as normal as possible is a good strategy: sure you might have to cut back on dinners and city breaks but that's not what it's about. Remind him also that this isn't personal (because it isn't): it's about the sector he works in and it's about HR having to cut headcount. Talent has nothing to do with being made redundant; those of us in our forties who've been through previous recessions and were kids during the oil shocks in the seventies are aware of that. This is about the world changing in a major way.
When you do talk it's important to focus his mind on the bigger picture: is there anything he wants to do while he's considering his options. Perhaps he can explore a new direction? Encourage him to view it as time out that he might not take otherwise and tell him that's what you'd do. One thing that helps me is that we only have the moment we're living in: you need to make sure that you both make the most of your moments and this may be a bonus.
His libido may suffer but make sure you keep up the physical affection without smothering him. Use your intuition. Remember he's an alpha male so you need to make him feel like one.
To ask Ms Robinson a question, send her an email.
Here Is The Writer : Ms Robinson
Ms Robinson was once a copywriter who wrote award winning ads and had eight hour lunches. Weary of the sex, glamour and lavish parties, she switched to corporate communications where she held the hands of executives and banned them from writing this execrable sentence: "In this ever changing world, the only constant is change itself." These days she writes for an increasing variety of people and has ghostwritten several books but if she told you who for, she'd have to kill you. Click here to read her blog, Woman of Experience.
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