ISO: A Husband
In this day of modern living, why is finding a husband so hard? The Soul Sister reports.
Dear Soul Sister
I am a Polish women in my late 20s and have made a successful life for myself here in the UK. I have a good job in the City, I'm attractive, and have had quite a few boyfriends since arriving three years ago. But I can't seem to find someone who wants to be serious. I am ready to find a husband and have children, and just want someone who is nice, reliable and who treats me like a lady. Am I too demanding? I can't figure out why this is so hard. How do I find someone good?
- XY
Dear XY
As suggested by films, books and my other clients, are not alone in your quest. And I am starting to notice again and again the culturally relevant components of this search for a partner. As with many women from outside the UK, I ask myself and you: do you want to find a real partner or a protector, a gentlemanly soul who looks after you?
This confusion in desire is not just expressed by woman from countries that did not experience the so-called liberating '60s, when women thought equality in pay and bed would lead to equality in the relationship, but also by women whose mothers hail from that era but somehow didn’t pass on the values of that liberation.
In former Eastern block countries especially there seems to be a disjoint between equal work conditions and very unequal life/cultural habits. How can women be professionals and workers in 'masculine' jobs for many years, yet expect that the boyfriend always pays for their dinner? That said, here in the UK women are also not so sure how to be equal without becoming a ladette. It is nice to be treated like a 'lady', but what does that actually mean? Respect, attention and appreciation, or paying the bill and general entertainment that can only come from a man? Many young women seem to really struggle to find the middle.
Social mores have changed so much, that it is very hard to know what is ‘OK’. Do you call a new man to show you are keen or play by 'the rules'? Do you text, and how often - and how often is too often? When is it expected that you sleep with someone?
My advice would be to consider the men you are dating - do you see them as 'marriage material', and as importantly, do they see that in you? Or are they men looking to pass the time until they're ready for Ms Right? In order for a relationship to progress, both parties need to be more or less on the same track.
After that, it's about open communication and intimacy, which will help the relationship grow to the next stages, and help keep it strong.
I am a Polish women in my late 20s and have made a successful life for myself here in the UK. I have a good job in the City, I'm attractive, and have had quite a few boyfriends since arriving three years ago. But I can't seem to find someone who wants to be serious. I am ready to find a husband and have children, and just want someone who is nice, reliable and who treats me like a lady. Am I too demanding? I can't figure out why this is so hard. How do I find someone good?
- XY
Dear XY
As suggested by films, books and my other clients, are not alone in your quest. And I am starting to notice again and again the culturally relevant components of this search for a partner. As with many women from outside the UK, I ask myself and you: do you want to find a real partner or a protector, a gentlemanly soul who looks after you?
This confusion in desire is not just expressed by woman from countries that did not experience the so-called liberating '60s, when women thought equality in pay and bed would lead to equality in the relationship, but also by women whose mothers hail from that era but somehow didn’t pass on the values of that liberation.
In former Eastern block countries especially there seems to be a disjoint between equal work conditions and very unequal life/cultural habits. How can women be professionals and workers in 'masculine' jobs for many years, yet expect that the boyfriend always pays for their dinner? That said, here in the UK women are also not so sure how to be equal without becoming a ladette. It is nice to be treated like a 'lady', but what does that actually mean? Respect, attention and appreciation, or paying the bill and general entertainment that can only come from a man? Many young women seem to really struggle to find the middle.
Social mores have changed so much, that it is very hard to know what is ‘OK’. Do you call a new man to show you are keen or play by 'the rules'? Do you text, and how often - and how often is too often? When is it expected that you sleep with someone?
My advice would be to consider the men you are dating - do you see them as 'marriage material', and as importantly, do they see that in you? Or are they men looking to pass the time until they're ready for Ms Right? In order for a relationship to progress, both parties need to be more or less on the same track.
After that, it's about open communication and intimacy, which will help the relationship grow to the next stages, and help keep it strong.
Here Is The Writer : Annegret O'Dwyer
Annegret O'Dwyer is a psychotherapist who has had a practise in Harley Street for 10 years, and recently opened one in Southbank. She is accredited and licensed by the UKCP (United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy) and the EAP (European Association of Psychotherapists). Her favourite book is How to be Happy by the Dalai Lama, and The Right to Speak by Patsy Rodenburg, and she likes spending her evenings at the cinema or theatre.
www.annegretodwyer.co.uk
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