The Properlys on Free Food
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Mr & Mrs Properly, HITC's etiquette experts, weigh in on when - and how - to graciously accept being treated to dinner.
Dear Mr & Mrs Properly
The other night I had dinner with my wife and a friend who had been staying with us for a few days. He was in town for a job interviews, and at the end of dinner, went to pick up the bill. My friend is unemployed, but did receive a good settlement from his last job. However, I know he's having to be responsible with his money. We let him pay for dinner, since he wanted to thank us. Was that the right thing to do?
Mr. No Such Thing as a Free Lunch
Mr Properly
You clearly don't want to offend your friend by suggesting that he's unable to afford dinner, but as always, it comes down to good judgement. If you think the total dinner bill is within reason, accept graciously, and pay for the cab home. But if it's been a big night out with champagne to start and port to finish, thank him, and say something like: "It really doesn't have to be tonight; you can treat us another time."
If you are taken out for a meal, don't forget to send a thank you by email or text. We guys are notoriously bad about doing this, and let's face it, we're not actually going to send one by snail mail - ever. But there's no excuse for failing completely on this front.
Mrs Properly
I tried to do the right thing in a similar situation once, and it flopped. (Fortunately, it was with a good friend.) I said: "Thank you, but treat me when you have a job!" He said, "Thank you for rubbing it in!" The exchange was good-natured, but it reminded me that it's almost always best to accept something that's given to you, because then you're truly respecting the other person.
And do listen to my husband - a thank you of some sort is a must, even if it's to a very good friend. For a coffee The Wolesley, a text. For lunch at the pub, an email. For dinner at Gordon Ramsey, a note in the mail (come on you men!).
The other night I had dinner with my wife and a friend who had been staying with us for a few days. He was in town for a job interviews, and at the end of dinner, went to pick up the bill. My friend is unemployed, but did receive a good settlement from his last job. However, I know he's having to be responsible with his money. We let him pay for dinner, since he wanted to thank us. Was that the right thing to do?
Mr. No Such Thing as a Free Lunch
Mr Properly
You clearly don't want to offend your friend by suggesting that he's unable to afford dinner, but as always, it comes down to good judgement. If you think the total dinner bill is within reason, accept graciously, and pay for the cab home. But if it's been a big night out with champagne to start and port to finish, thank him, and say something like: "It really doesn't have to be tonight; you can treat us another time."
If you are taken out for a meal, don't forget to send a thank you by email or text. We guys are notoriously bad about doing this, and let's face it, we're not actually going to send one by snail mail - ever. But there's no excuse for failing completely on this front.
Mrs Properly
I tried to do the right thing in a similar situation once, and it flopped. (Fortunately, it was with a good friend.) I said: "Thank you, but treat me when you have a job!" He said, "Thank you for rubbing it in!" The exchange was good-natured, but it reminded me that it's almost always best to accept something that's given to you, because then you're truly respecting the other person.
And do listen to my husband - a thank you of some sort is a must, even if it's to a very good friend. For a coffee The Wolesley, a text. For lunch at the pub, an email. For dinner at Gordon Ramsey, a note in the mail (come on you men!).
Here Is The Writer : Mr & Mrs Properly
Mr and Mrs Properly will never come to your home empty-handed. They hold doors for young and old alike, always say please and thank you (especially to each other), and try not to be judgemental when they witness bad manners. Their bookshelves feature works by Debrett's, Knigge, Miss Manners and Emily Post, and when they're bored, they write this column for Here Is The City while making dinner. Both work in the City.
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