Getting Over Your Parents
They do their best but still we end up with issues. So how do we escape from our inherited problems? The Soul Sister examines.
Dear Soul Sister
The other day I had an row with my best friend, who told me to 'get on with it' and who suggested (OK, told) me that I blame my parents for more than I should at my age (I'm 28). Is there a cut off I'm not aware of?
Damaged
Dear Damaged
I wish it was as simple as a cut off! But it really depends on what kind of past you've had.
If you had a 'good enough' childhood - by which I mean supportive, grown-up parents who cared for you, set decent boundaries on your behaviour, let you mix with friends who also had healthy backgrounds, and gently led you to explore finding a nourishing job - then yes, you should be able to thrive by yourself, find a good partner and 'just' get on with life.
However, in a world that prizes possessions more than childcare, this is not so likely to happen.
And in a world emerging from War and Rationing, the generation before also had little time to consider 'good parenting', as they were too exhausted providing food and shelter for their offspring. So one generation begat the next - with all the flaws in place. And this was only in the last 60 years!
Hence it is hard for people to free themselves by themselves from patterns that seem natural to them, even if they are constantly surprised how their ways of interacting with the world ensues in pain, rather than delight.
Let me give you an example: if you have parents and grandparents who firmly believe that happiness is having a Jag, then it will be very hard for you to make the choice for a Metro. Somehow it is not 'good enough'. Or, if they believe that only being very strict with kids help them become good citizens, then those kids will be unsure on how to parent with gentle, but firm kindness.
I think that exploring these cunundrums in a therapeutic relationship offers a very direct and productive way to finding your own way, as a therapist is trained to observe how these old patterns manifest and can help you to change them.
Of course it is important to first establish that this is the kind of therapy offered, so make sure you choose the therapist well.
I generally offer a 'getting to know you' session as a one-off so that people can see how I work and then decide. I would strongly advise you do that, and ensure that the person is accredited by UKCP or BAC.
The other day I had an row with my best friend, who told me to 'get on with it' and who suggested (OK, told) me that I blame my parents for more than I should at my age (I'm 28). Is there a cut off I'm not aware of?
Damaged
Dear Damaged
I wish it was as simple as a cut off! But it really depends on what kind of past you've had.
If you had a 'good enough' childhood - by which I mean supportive, grown-up parents who cared for you, set decent boundaries on your behaviour, let you mix with friends who also had healthy backgrounds, and gently led you to explore finding a nourishing job - then yes, you should be able to thrive by yourself, find a good partner and 'just' get on with life.
However, in a world that prizes possessions more than childcare, this is not so likely to happen.
And in a world emerging from War and Rationing, the generation before also had little time to consider 'good parenting', as they were too exhausted providing food and shelter for their offspring. So one generation begat the next - with all the flaws in place. And this was only in the last 60 years!
Hence it is hard for people to free themselves by themselves from patterns that seem natural to them, even if they are constantly surprised how their ways of interacting with the world ensues in pain, rather than delight.
Let me give you an example: if you have parents and grandparents who firmly believe that happiness is having a Jag, then it will be very hard for you to make the choice for a Metro. Somehow it is not 'good enough'. Or, if they believe that only being very strict with kids help them become good citizens, then those kids will be unsure on how to parent with gentle, but firm kindness.
I think that exploring these cunundrums in a therapeutic relationship offers a very direct and productive way to finding your own way, as a therapist is trained to observe how these old patterns manifest and can help you to change them.
Of course it is important to first establish that this is the kind of therapy offered, so make sure you choose the therapist well.
I generally offer a 'getting to know you' session as a one-off so that people can see how I work and then decide. I would strongly advise you do that, and ensure that the person is accredited by UKCP or BAC.
Here Is The Writer : Annegret O'Dwyer
Annegret O'Dwyer is a psychotherapist who has had a practise in Harley Street for 10 years, and recently opened one in Southbank. She is accredited and licensed by the UKCP (United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy) and the EAP (European Association of Psychotherapists). Her favourite book is How to be Happy by the Dalai Lama, and The Right to Speak by Patsy Rodenburg, and she likes spending her evenings at the cinema or theatre.
www.annegretodwyer.co.uk
view more articles by Annegret O'Dwyer
