They F.ck You Up, Your Mum and Dad
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Dear Soul Sister: I'm going to have a baby soon, and my husband and I want to screw him up as little as possible - although we both realise that doing a perfect job is impossible. Got any advice? Thanks, Sarah
Dear Sarah
Your questions reminded me of a Phillip Larkin poem I often quote to my clients, which describes well what is on your mind.
Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
But I am so glad you are asking these questions now, rather than when the baby is born and causing (expected) mayhem, which can then cause parents to panic that they'll never get it right. So to wonder now about how to be good parents is very useful, as you can get organised properly for the new arrival and all it entails.
And that's maybe the first and most important thing: get accustomed to the idea that your lives will change - totally, forever, utterly!
This has tremendous consequences on you as individuals and you as partners. Be assured you most certainly will love these changes as you fall totally, madly, and deeply in love with this small bundle, so much so that you will feel scared, as most of us are not used to loving anyone so unconditionally.
This is so well described in a now old book written by John Cleese (yes, of Monty Python fame, with his analyst Robin Skynner), and is a textbook for psychotherapy: Families and How to Survive Them. I can't recommend it highly enough, plus it's fun to read (which cannot be said about many such texts).
Another traditional psychotherapist gave hope to many women (and men!) when he created the mantra "Good enough mothering is good enough", i.e. the child does not actually need a perfect care-giver, it only needs to be loved.
I do hope you have worked out what love is by now, and that at its center is compassion, kindness, and thoughtfulness. If you are able to give this to your child more often than not, he or she will thrive.
Sue Gerhardt'd book, Why Love Matters, would be an excellent read here. And for good measure, Conditions of Love by John Armstrong (though maybe a touch dense, as it's written by a philosopher), is very worthwhile whilst you ponder these very important questions.
And the most important: make time. Make time for the baby, for play, for massage - and give that time to yourselves too. If you can manage that new structuring of your time you are well on the way to enjoying your child.
Your questions reminded me of a Phillip Larkin poem I often quote to my clients, which describes well what is on your mind.
Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
But I am so glad you are asking these questions now, rather than when the baby is born and causing (expected) mayhem, which can then cause parents to panic that they'll never get it right. So to wonder now about how to be good parents is very useful, as you can get organised properly for the new arrival and all it entails.
And that's maybe the first and most important thing: get accustomed to the idea that your lives will change - totally, forever, utterly!
This has tremendous consequences on you as individuals and you as partners. Be assured you most certainly will love these changes as you fall totally, madly, and deeply in love with this small bundle, so much so that you will feel scared, as most of us are not used to loving anyone so unconditionally.
This is so well described in a now old book written by John Cleese (yes, of Monty Python fame, with his analyst Robin Skynner), and is a textbook for psychotherapy: Families and How to Survive Them. I can't recommend it highly enough, plus it's fun to read (which cannot be said about many such texts).
Another traditional psychotherapist gave hope to many women (and men!) when he created the mantra "Good enough mothering is good enough", i.e. the child does not actually need a perfect care-giver, it only needs to be loved.
I do hope you have worked out what love is by now, and that at its center is compassion, kindness, and thoughtfulness. If you are able to give this to your child more often than not, he or she will thrive.
Sue Gerhardt'd book, Why Love Matters, would be an excellent read here. And for good measure, Conditions of Love by John Armstrong (though maybe a touch dense, as it's written by a philosopher), is very worthwhile whilst you ponder these very important questions.
And the most important: make time. Make time for the baby, for play, for massage - and give that time to yourselves too. If you can manage that new structuring of your time you are well on the way to enjoying your child.
Here Is The Writer : Annegret O'Dwyer
Annegret O'Dwyer is a psychotherapist who has had a practise in Harley Street for 10 years, and recently opened one in Southbank. She is accredited and licensed by the UKCP (United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapy) and the EAP (European Association of Psychotherapists). Her favourite book is How to be Happy by the Dalai Lama, and The Right to Speak by Patsy Rodenburg, and she likes spending her evenings at the cinema or theatre.
www.annegretodwyer.co.uk
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